Movies that were so godawful, even I couldn't get through it

[thatguy]

I never watched Spaceballs. It always felt like an unnecessary attempt to remake of Hardware Wars.

--tg

[Drunk Monk]

Masters of the Universe

I thought I’d watch this as part of my She-Ra binge - http://brotherhoodofdoom.com/doomForum/s...p?tid=5858

It’s an old Cannon classic. So cheesy - a blatant Star Wars Conan rip off. I forgot Courtney Cox was in this. I only remembered one scene - when Teela is freaked out that they were eating animals after Man at Arms tells her the sticks in the food were ribs. The only redeeming factor was Met Foster as Evilynn. 

But I couldn’t make it. Bailed a little after halfway through. 

There are sword fights but some really bad ones. Not DOOM recommended at all.

[cranefly]

Shakespeare Wallah (1966) by James Ivory

The travails of a British theater troupe in India in the last days of British rule, pitting their Shakespeare performances against the growing behemoth that is Bollywood.

What a great premise, and I gave it 40 minutes over two days, but just wasn't clicking for me.  It's probably more notable as the beginning of Merchant Ivory Productions (Merchant produces, Ivory directs), which delivered some great fare over the years, I've read.  But this first effort wasn't drawing me in.  Still, maybe I gave up too soon (running time is 123 minutes).

On Kanopy.

[Greg]

Hear me out. Everyone kept saying that this film was a lot better than expected. I'm here to tell you they lied.

I'd been hearing for quite some time that Battleship, based on the popular board game, was a pretty darn good action adventure movie. When I saw it on the guide, I decided to check it out. (yes, the Queen is out of town. Why do you ask?) I almost shut it off several times, but I decided to hold out until it got to the good part.

During naval exercises, aliens land on earth and establish a forcefield over Hawaii and several Naval ships that were doing war games in the area. A game of battleships ensues as the alien and naval forces fire at each other. The alien missiles even look like the pegs used in the board game. At one point, neither side can see the other side. They fire blindly to see if they can hit their opponents ships. Numbers are called out for the opponents quardanants. Sadly, no one ever says, "Darn, you sank my battleship"

It's all pretty bad. Many times I asked myself why they were doing such silly things. And superbly miscast is Rihanna as a weapons tech Why is Rihanna carrying that rifle?

It's not a complete failure because the show made it a point to highlight wounded soldiers and old sailors and keep them in the cast. There is one particular bit of tomfoolery when they take the USS Missouri out of dock. Even after being mothballed, the USS Missouri still has working engines and some ordnance. 

I did see it all the way to the end, but I missed the first ten minutes or so. It felt like it took the entire weekend to see. Liam Neeson was in it for the paycheck.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Some very good alien design. Otherwise, a silly film.

[Drunk Monk]

Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)

I never saw this so I thought I’d give it a peep on Netflix. I got about 15 mins in and then remembered I don’t like Chris Farley at all. So painfully bad.

[Drunk Monk]

Slightly OT because it’s TV. Watching my last hours of Paramount+

Guilty Party: Kate Beckinsale plays a discredited journalist in Denver. I follow her IG because Greg suggested it and it’s quite entertaining, unlike this series. Eps are under a half hour but it felt like two. Look, I love Kate’s IG but here she’s plays a blonde and does an American accent. I luv her Brit accent.

The show is supposed to be funny, one of those ‘everyone is despicable’ sitcoms. It opens with some graphic violence, then we meet Kate who lies too much and ends up unsympathetic. She’s washed up, working for a fluff entertainment paper run by kids half her age when she wants to do hard hitting reporting. Then she meets a woman in jail who claims to be innocent of murdering some dude - the violent bit at the beginning.

I got through the first ep but not the second. There are 3 up and maybe more on the way.

---

iCarly: a reboot of a Nickelodeon show that I used to watch with Tara that reassembles the cast all except the best character Sam. Turns out that actress was horribly abused by her family and left the biz. She played 2nd fiddle in the show. After iCarly, she did a spin-off called Sam & Cat. Cat was Ariana Grande. 

The original sitcom was about a gal who did her own web show, an oddly premonitional premise. The reboot was allegedly a more adultified version, but no. It was exactly the same, right down to the laugh track. Most of the cast has aged but the lead, Miranda Cosgrove, looks almost the same although her face seems strangely larger. The stilted humor timing made me bail like 10 mins in.

---

I shoulda just watched Star Trek reruns.

[Drunk Monk]

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Still pillaging my last hours of Paramount+. Thought I’d sample a dose of Roger. Carly’s theme song brought me back. So lush. I had the 45 single. I settled in but had to bail after about a half hour. Roger sucks as Bond. His first two - Live and Let Die & The Man with the Golden Gun were good. There was still good momentum. But then, that’s all there was. And Roger just turned Bond into a comic book character.

Don't even get me started on Jaws.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Yup, it sucked.

[cranefly]

(glimpsed on Criterion)

Deadly Weapons (1974) by Doris Wishman

The titular weapons are the twin bazookas of one Chesty Morgan, reputed to have a 73-inch bust.  I can't confirm this, but will attest to her resembling Jabba the Hut in a Bezos penis ship undergoing 5-G acceleration.  I mean, there's pendulous, and then there's splat, and she seemed a whole lot of splat.

After her gangster boyfriend tries to move up the food chain and gets offed for his audacity, Chesty Morgan -- armed only with the aforesaid weapons -- sets out to get revenge.

I don't know if she succeeds, or how exactly she uses her weapons, because I didn't get past the first ten minutes -- despite making attempts on two consecutive nights.

What I did learn is that Chesty Morgan takes very long baths, she has bad teeth, and no bone structure to her face.  As for her acting prowess, well, let's not even go there.

Harry Reams is in this.  Likely other porn stars.

Why is this on Criterion?  They're doing a Doris Wishman retrospective, honoring her for being the singular woman among the male-dominated producers of sleaze.  What I think she's most noted for is great quote: "When I die, I'll make dirty movies in hell."  She was very determined and prolific, I'll say that for her.  Still, I wouldn't recommend going to hell just to find out what she's been making recently.

I am supremely embarrassed to report to DOOM that I wasn't able to finish this.

[Drunk Monk]

No good without the poster...

[Greg]

Quitter.

[thatguy]

Did you know there's a Doris Wishman musical bum, er... music album?

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OL...mMi5bSfY5I

[cranefly]

No good without the poster...

In my best Nicholson voice, "You can't handle the poster!"

okay, here's the poster...



For extra credit, the German version:

[King Bob]

If I'm not mistaken the German reads "Devilish Breasts"