Movies that were so godawful, even I couldn't get through it

[Drunk Monk]

Maybe someday I'll finish watching these. Probably not.

I'll start:

Mercenaries (2014) Netflix
This stars a bunch of has-been female actions stars - Cynthia Rothrock, Kristanna Loken, Vivica A. Fox, Brigitte Nielsen. I thought it would be like what Expendabelles was projected to be. Turns out old female action stars aren't nearly as funny as old male action stars. I couldn't even get to the beginning of the mission. :vom:

Bushido Man (2013) Netflix
We did a BRD giveaway for this but I didn't watch it because I'm not BRD capable. Now it's netflixable. It's like seven fight scenes, marginally strung together by a minimalistic plot. You'd think I'd like that. It's like modern porn - just the money shots, if you will. I have a Kung Fu younger brother that never watches martial arts films but never watches the plot - he only fast forwards to the action. I think I got through half of the fights until I got bored.

[Drunk Monk]

Lady Ninja Kaede 2 (2009)
Remember when porn had plots? Now it's just fucking shots. Well, this is porn light (just toplessness), Japanese style. It opens with a close up shot of Lady Ninja Kaede's breasts in a fishnet jog bra. What is up with lady ninja's and fishnets? I've never got that. Lady Ninja Kaede gets cursed with a swirly-painted glitter dildo made from the penises (peni?) of three villains who now have black holes where their peni used to be. She is cursed to chronic masturbation with the dildo and must find and fuck all three villains to break the curse. I made it to the first villain and bailed.

Gunday (2014)
Okay, this starts with the poster.

On Netflix, even with my widescreen, the icons aren't as clear, and I kept reading it as Gun Day. I thought that was an intriguing title. They got guns. No one I know is in it. But it turns out it's the Indian name Gunday. It's about some orphan boys who escape a refugee camp in Bangledesh and steal coal for a living. I got to when they became adults and bailed.

[Drunk Monk]

Johnny English Reborn 

I don't really like Rowan Atkinson.  I enjoyed Blackadder somewhat but I hate Mr. Bean.  Johny English is Mr. Bean doing James Bond.  It has this opening scene where he's training Kung Fu in a Tibetan monastery, but we know it's not Tibet because the monks bear no likeness to DM (except maybe their mediocre Kung Fu).  And the plot involves an assassination of a Chinese premiere, so I figured I should check it out just to see how much racism is in it.  There wasn't much really.  That's not why I bailed.  It was just bad in that Mr. Bean is annoying sort of way.

Gillian Anderson is in it as M, but not the regal Fleming M, the PC Dench M.  Now you'd think I was into the X Files, but I wasn't.  Gillian spends most of the movie with her WTH? X files expression, but not because the truth is out there, but because Mr. Bean is an idiot.  Rosamund Pike, who I liked a lot in Gone Girl, is also in it.  She dons the same WTH? expression, but I suspect that she will be the romantic lead for English and that will just piss me off.  So I bailed early before they started snogging.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

i just watched prometheus. i did make it through, just barely, but i had the advantage of working on my taxes as a distraction. worst movie i have seen in a long time.

[Drunk Monk]

Prometheus gets the all-around DOOM suckage award: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://brotherhoodofdoom.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2617">viewtopic.php?f=9&t=2617</a><!-- l -->

[Drunk Monk]

Fresh Off the Boat. It's the new 'asian' series that's going to tackle asian issues. Yea whatev. i felt weirdly obligated to watch but couldn't get through the pilot. I'll check in on it again if it survives to a second season, or if I hear there's a Kung Fu related episode.

[El Dingo]

I just tried to watch "Free Money"

Marlon Brando, Donald Sutherland, Mira Sorvino, Charlie Sheen, David Arquette, Martin Sheen

I made it to about 60 minutes.

I now have a new movie to harass stars with.

Me (upon meeting Donald Sutherland): "Wait - I know you, give me a sec - I GOT IT "Free Money" with Charlie Sheen! You were amazing!"

Queue Donald Sutherland punching me in the face.

[Drunk Monk]

Kung Fu Arts (1978) stars Carter Wong, who you might remember as Thunder in Big Trouble in Little China. It also stars a chimp, who gets an opening credit but I've forgotten what it was and chimps don't rate on IMDB. A princess gets struck by a poison dart by accident. Her father declares that anyone who can cure her can marry her. The chimp arrives with medicine. They are married and cast away on a raft. Carter is a right-hand man who gets betrayed and goes to hide and train to exact revenge. I think they wind up on the same island, but I didn't get that far. The film was some rogue Chinese production, perhaps one of the many shot in the Philippines or surrounding areas as moviemakers attempted to cash in on the Kung Fu craze. It's shoddy on every level. The chimp looks bad - bald spots, mangy - surely from poor care - and still out acts everyone else in the film, at least as far as I got in it.

Hulu+ has been trying to beef up their Kung Fu movie collection, perhaps in response to El Rey, but their buyers are getting a lot of crap. Even when they get good films, they are often not panovision, but pan&scan, and streaky and blotchy as if they were bootlegged from a theatrical showing. It's sad really, as there are so many great Kung Fu flicks, and Hulu+ isn't bothering to distinguish what they have, offer clean versions, or even get decent films.

[Drunk Monk]

Why did we abandon this thread for a half decade?

Airplane (1980) This film did not survive the test of time. The Zucker brothers were only funny in Kentucky Fried Movie although I haven't rewatched that one either, not in a long time. I got about halfway through Airplane and had to bail. Man, people went nuts over that film when it came out. 

[cranefly]

This is a documentary looking back on Kim Ki-Duk's film career.

It was shot during a 2-year span when Ki-Duk was holed up in a remote cabin with a bad case of director's block.

You see, during the filming of his last movie (Dream), an actress almost died.  She was supposed to do a hanging scene in a jail cell.  While Ki-Duk was elsewhere, she was apparently familiarizing herself with the setup, only she fainted.  Lo and behold, Ki-Duk returned to the cell to see her hanging there.  He did get her down, and she recovered, but it left him terribly traumatized, and he's been unable to direct since -- even though he knows the next project, and he even gives a synopsis, and he has Willem Dafoe interested in starring...

Oh, a couple of assistant directors recently left him to make their own movies, and some people think they betrayed him, leaving him like that, and using his ideas for their movies, but not him, no, he understands the need to seize opportunity, to leave the nest, to grow, and he's okay with that.  Sort of.

Oh, he's actually living in a tent inside the remote cabin, as the cabin doesn't get warm enough, even with a fire.  And he doesn't have a toilet, so he just goes outdoors with a spade to poop.  And he grows his own food, and is frequently shown fixing meals, and eating.

And he talks.  Occasionally he sings.  And sometimes he cries.

His interviewer is relentless and deeply probing in drawing Ki-Duk out, ever pressuring Ki-Duk to face certain facts about his life, his international fame, his controversial films, and his interpersonal conflicts.  The interviewer, by the way, is Kim Ki-Duk -- with a slightly different hair fashion.  And no, we never really see the two in the same shot.  So don't expect some whizbang FX.  Eventually, we do see some of the interviews replayed on a monitor, closely watched by the film's editor -- who, by the way, is Kim Ki-Duk.  At footage of Ki-Duk singing and ultimately breaking down crying, Ki-Duk the editor chuckles, bemused by his ridiculous show of emotion.

And so it goes, for 40 minutes, and likely onward to the end (total runtime 1 hr 40 min); but I stopped at 40.

BTW, this won best film at Cannes in 2011 in the "Un Certain Regard" category.

Let me borrow a couple reviewer quotes from the Reception section of the wikipedia article on Arirang.

Leslie Felperin: "Further evidence, as if it were needed, that digital is both the liberation of low-budget filmmaking and the enabler of self-indulgence.  [...]  An experience that can be likened only to being stuck next to a drunk in a bar who keeps reminding you he used to be famous, all his friends are bastards and he now understands the meaning of life."

Peter Bradshaw: "It is the most extravagantly self-indulgent piece of pure loopiness imaginable – but gripping as well. A piece of experimentalism at odds with convention."

Highly recommended for DOOM brethren, especially those into South African spy/action thrillers.

[Drunk Monk]

Firstly, thanks for ttt-ing this thread. I went looking for it the other night and couldn't remember what it was titled.

Secondly, you're DOOM recommending a movie that you bailed on? No way. No effin way. None of us have your fortitude when it comes to movies you really should've bailed on but saw through just to post here.

Thirdly, my recent bailout was a fan film that's been making the rounds after Star Trek Day. It's Star Trek: The First Frontier. What lured me in, beyond it getting some buzz, was that Uhura was involved, but it turns out they just got her to do the opening voice-over. It is notable how well they emulate the pilot episode but the actors are so bad. They're uber fans, so what did I expect?



Paramount really needs to corbomite this.

[Drunk Monk]

Vigilante (2008)
Here's some Ozploitation that's awe-ful. Why is it notable? It's Margot Robbie's first feature film. She gets a really small credit in the opening towards the end because she was nobody back then, but she dominates this film. Margot plays the fiancee of the protag, who becomes the ninja-clad vigilante. Why? On the night Margot accepts his proposal, they hang out on the beach, but are interupted by some punks who beat the crap out of soon-to-be vigilante and rape Margot, a scene that is thankfully off screen. Also thankful that this happens in the first ten mins or so, and Margot is really only in the proposal scene just before, then the beach violence scene. The fights are dumb. Beefy aussies who can't even pull off pro wrasslin moves. I bailed when Margot was out, then ff-ed to see if she appears in a flashback later on, but it didn't seem like she did, so I was done.

[Drunk Monk]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FphzQSZ_kU

---

2018 movie for part i

I tried. I really did. I figured it would make a fun DOOM post and be a good follow up to my White Snake to Green Snake binger.

But I failed. 

Monty Python is about a film crew making a movie about a giant python and then they get chased by giant pythons. That's established in the first few minutes of the film. The rest is all chase. There's no rhyme or reason to it. No explanation or character development. The pythons are part bad puppets and part bad CGI. I think the director just found an abandoned village and wanted to shoot something there. 

Here. If one of you have more fortitude, feel free to have a go. It's subbed. Full version. For free. 



I found part 2 as well but I just can't take anymore.

[Drunk Monk]

Spaceballs (1987)

I dunno, man. Mel Brooks ain't funny no more, just like the Zucker brothers. Those used to be so funny - almost like Hollywood Mo Lei Tau humor - so random. But they just don't work anymore for me.

I wanted to see if Zuniga was - in fact - any good in this. She seemed tolerable in the first few minutes but I bailed way too early to judge fairly. How 'bout I just post a gif of Daphne and we call it a day...

[cranefly]

Who's tail is it sticking out behind her to the left?

---

PEE MAK (2013) by Banjong Pisanthanakun

This Thai horror film was recommended by the Accented Cinema channel on youtube.  A guy returns from war (with his buddies) to his wife and baby, who may or may not be ghosts.

I gave up the ghost about an hour in, with an hour or so to go.  It's got some decent horror elements, and it did well at the box office, but I've seen Thai horror ghost stories similar to it and got bored.  Also, it's horror comedy and not that funny.  It used that ever hilarious bee-sting trope of Asian cinema, which at least let the make-up artist stretch his or her wings.  But no, just not working for me.

Maybe you'd have a better result.  As for me, no longer trusting Accented Cinema's recommendations.