The Pets of DOOM

[Drunk Monk]

Behold, oh sinner, the very beasts of Armageddon are kept hungry and waiting within the bowels of the nefarious abodes of DOOM whose names upon mention causeth trembling amongst the sane and sober so as to be only mentioned in shadows in lowly whispers - ye verily, cast not thine eyes upon the unmentionable denizens of lynch manor, the dark one called preston and the unpronounceable cthulhulain, whose vile and incestuous acts make the most hardcore youtube surfer cringe, and speak not of the carnivorous felines kept in sordid anticipation within the cat cave of the queen, heard and smelled but never seen except by their fast-typing mistress, and try as we may, we cannot forget the unspeakable evil of the hounds of el dingo, whose whip-like tails cause even the most hardened dominatrix to shudder in fear and lose complete bladder control, as they devour all other domesticates in their lair, and surely e.d. and mrs e.d. will soon follow that blood-drenched trail, and then there's the horrid cockroaches of legbone and cranefly, borne from the same defiled stock and exchanged for illicit purposes alone, who are now waiting dormant in egg and larvae form, nestled within greasy unwashed underwear, awaiting that day of judgment, and speaketh of cranefly manor, lousy with bloodthirsty cats that feed upon the flesh of the innocent and idiotic, always ready to pounce upon unsuspecting victims who have fallen from the path of light, and speaketh of legbone, there was that monitor lizard who shitteth most explosively upon its own aquarium, a nasty fecal mix of worms and disease whose horrifying stench made all that inhaled regret the day forever, and of course, the sinister lice of the yeti, that stare out threateningly with their unearthly compound eyes from the dank folds and moldy wet crevices of the yeti's foul and malodorous body preparing to leap to new hosts at the slightest provocation and spread their wickedness across mankind, but yea, behold and fear now the newest bane of man, within the haunted monastery of the drunk monk, joining the most devious cat rebell who never quite forsook her feral ways and continues to mock any afflicted with allergies in ways to drive sanity away and the terrible white rabbit alice, descended from the same voracious beast that once guarded the last words of joseph of arimethea, another creature joins this DOOM army of hades, from the ancient land of pomerania, fear ye now, the hound called jingles.