11-14-2005, 03:28 PM
Shaolin Dolomite.
Storyline: A score of tourists from the far corners of the world lose their Visas while visiting Hong Kong (whether they're stolen or confiscated by the powers that be is never made clear). To regain their freedom they must participate in the making of an epic martial arts film.
To conserve space, I will substitute incomparable for incomprehensible throughout this review.
Akin to the wheelchair-bound narrator in Rocky Horror Picture Show, an old black dude wanders through the movie, visiting various Shaolin locales, spewing jive invectives at everyone and everything, preferring to make fun of all rather than attempt insight into ongoing events. In hindsight, he made a wise choice.
At the movie's core is one bad black mutha -- yes, the N word gets bandied about. Why's he bad? He just looks bad, acts bad, okay? Oh, and he beat up some monks and stole their gong. He likes to beat on the gong and make people fall down with blood spurting out of their ears. Badder still, he's in bed with the Ninjas. And I do mean "in bed." He's doing the interracial thing with Ninja Ho' (yep, some hot nude scenes, in case you're wondering). Now, don't confuse Ninja Ho' with Skanky Ho', who isn't really skanky or a ho'. The bad black mutha just calls her that because she dares to ring a little bell. Why he should get all bent out of shape over that is beyond me, considering how he bangs on that gong.
The plot? Oh, yeah, the plot. From my studied analysis, there are 17 acts, each composed of between 7 and 13 movements. But because I have a day job, let's just say there's the title at the start, a bunch of kicking and punching in the middle, and credits at the end.
Highlights? Well, there's the bronze and gold monks. There's the Caucasion pair resembling Laurel and Hardy, except they're not funny, and their whole purpose for existing is to fight, fight, fight, neither gaining or losing ground. Think of them as perpetual motion machines that, long after the movie ends, will persist as phantasmagoric squiggles on your eyelids. There's the Japanese dude, the guys in shorts, the guys in hats (there were guys in hats, right? Oh, I don't remember anymore…). Just think funny costumes. Funny costumes everywhere, at every turn. Then there's the skinny monk with long white eyebrows -- one of the worst makeup jobs ever, trust me. And from my research (yes, I do research after major traumas), he's the director. He dies midway through, probably of necessity so he can concentrate more fully on wrapping up the many many threads.
But we have to go back to Ninja Ho', because she is something. Resourceful as hell. I mean, if things don't go her way, she's got her Ninja tricks. And the one that stands out -- way way out -- is taking off her top to fight bare-breasted, freaking out the monks, who dare not touch her, let alone look. Oh, how she slaps them silly then. Unfortunately, midway through, she seems to forget about the effectiveness of this trick. Nonetheless, you're always hoping, and there's no doubt whatsoever that she completely steals the movie.
Until Davy Crockett shows up. Yep, he walks into Shaolin Temple one day. The skinny eyebrow monk, after learning who he is, asks, "What brings you to Shaolin Temple?" And in his best drawl, the Italian actor says, "I came here hopin' to learn a few new tricks." And so begins Davy Crockett's training in the Shaolin arts, which nicely complement his already substantial fencing skills.
Wrapping things up, the movie ended. I don't seem to recall how it ended, but it did. Oh, and there's some deleted scenes on the DVD, the most noteworthy of which is an extended sex scene between the bad black mutha and Ninja Ho'. Why it was cut from the film is beyond me, because it's well-filmed and cut, with lots of mood, and it's hot, okay? Incredibly, it also contains the clue to how to kill the gold and bronze monks!
The only improvement I would dare make to this monumental masterpiece is to have the bad black mutha get it on with Skanky Ho' as well. But I suppose that's asking too much.
--cranefly
Storyline: A score of tourists from the far corners of the world lose their Visas while visiting Hong Kong (whether they're stolen or confiscated by the powers that be is never made clear). To regain their freedom they must participate in the making of an epic martial arts film.
To conserve space, I will substitute incomparable for incomprehensible throughout this review.
Akin to the wheelchair-bound narrator in Rocky Horror Picture Show, an old black dude wanders through the movie, visiting various Shaolin locales, spewing jive invectives at everyone and everything, preferring to make fun of all rather than attempt insight into ongoing events. In hindsight, he made a wise choice.
At the movie's core is one bad black mutha -- yes, the N word gets bandied about. Why's he bad? He just looks bad, acts bad, okay? Oh, and he beat up some monks and stole their gong. He likes to beat on the gong and make people fall down with blood spurting out of their ears. Badder still, he's in bed with the Ninjas. And I do mean "in bed." He's doing the interracial thing with Ninja Ho' (yep, some hot nude scenes, in case you're wondering). Now, don't confuse Ninja Ho' with Skanky Ho', who isn't really skanky or a ho'. The bad black mutha just calls her that because she dares to ring a little bell. Why he should get all bent out of shape over that is beyond me, considering how he bangs on that gong.
The plot? Oh, yeah, the plot. From my studied analysis, there are 17 acts, each composed of between 7 and 13 movements. But because I have a day job, let's just say there's the title at the start, a bunch of kicking and punching in the middle, and credits at the end.
Highlights? Well, there's the bronze and gold monks. There's the Caucasion pair resembling Laurel and Hardy, except they're not funny, and their whole purpose for existing is to fight, fight, fight, neither gaining or losing ground. Think of them as perpetual motion machines that, long after the movie ends, will persist as phantasmagoric squiggles on your eyelids. There's the Japanese dude, the guys in shorts, the guys in hats (there were guys in hats, right? Oh, I don't remember anymore…). Just think funny costumes. Funny costumes everywhere, at every turn. Then there's the skinny monk with long white eyebrows -- one of the worst makeup jobs ever, trust me. And from my research (yes, I do research after major traumas), he's the director. He dies midway through, probably of necessity so he can concentrate more fully on wrapping up the many many threads.
But we have to go back to Ninja Ho', because she is something. Resourceful as hell. I mean, if things don't go her way, she's got her Ninja tricks. And the one that stands out -- way way out -- is taking off her top to fight bare-breasted, freaking out the monks, who dare not touch her, let alone look. Oh, how she slaps them silly then. Unfortunately, midway through, she seems to forget about the effectiveness of this trick. Nonetheless, you're always hoping, and there's no doubt whatsoever that she completely steals the movie.
Until Davy Crockett shows up. Yep, he walks into Shaolin Temple one day. The skinny eyebrow monk, after learning who he is, asks, "What brings you to Shaolin Temple?" And in his best drawl, the Italian actor says, "I came here hopin' to learn a few new tricks." And so begins Davy Crockett's training in the Shaolin arts, which nicely complement his already substantial fencing skills.
Wrapping things up, the movie ended. I don't seem to recall how it ended, but it did. Oh, and there's some deleted scenes on the DVD, the most noteworthy of which is an extended sex scene between the bad black mutha and Ninja Ho'. Why it was cut from the film is beyond me, because it's well-filmed and cut, with lots of mood, and it's hot, okay? Incredibly, it also contains the clue to how to kill the gold and bronze monks!
The only improvement I would dare make to this monumental masterpiece is to have the bad black mutha get it on with Skanky Ho' as well. But I suppose that's asking too much.
--cranefly