Steven Seagal @ Fillmore 6-6-6

[Drunk Monk]

My longtime pardner'n'crime, Legbone (sorry, now dubbed the Baloney Pony) came by the office and we got up to Japantown way early. I was thinking it was an 8 show, but it was 9. We hung out at Japantown Peace Plaza and had a nice long chat about everything, then ambled over to the Fillmore for a lovely dinner. I have never seen the Fillmore that empty. The pre-sell was 150 tickets. Lots of ponytails and a few full-on Seagal impersonators. It was super quiet, of course. Now I had requested an interview with Seagal, I'm not sure why, just because, but they totally snubbed me. I was still pretty sick from my trip, prone to horrific coughing fits, and feeling generally weak, so I was actually glad I didn't have to deal with it. The show sucked. It was the worst performance I can think of in years, and this includes all the kid shows I've seen lately. Seagal can't play for shit. I think he's just not happy as a white man. First he wants to be an Asian aikido master, marrying a japanese chick who had bloodties to serious aikido lineage, then he marries Kelly LeBrock (just after Weird Science, no less) which would have been enough for most men, but he slaps her around and she gains a lot of weight and he should burn in hell for spoiling one of the finest hotties of our generation, and now he's fronting this all-black Mississipi blues band. He keeps switching guitars and getting the exact same sound - shitty. He can't play and sing and the same time. Well, he can't play. He can't sing. And he can't do them at the same time either. He even tries to get jiggy with some horribly awkward dance moves. It's awful and embarrassing for the entire martial arts community. Legbone tries to take a nap. I hang out with Fillmore crew, laughing at the absurdity. When it's over, Seagal comes out to autograph and there's a huge line (all 150 people). Legbone, I mean the Baloney Pony, and I decide to hang out, just to see him walk past and get a better look at the man. He passes. He's a big dude. BeePee thinks he looks swollen, whatever that means. As we stagger to leave, this flunky approaches me as I'm gathering my stuff to go and says "Are you Gene Ching? Mr. Seagal is interested in doing the interview tonight." I look at the clock. Midnight. I look at the autograph line. 149 fans and counting. I feel like shit. I say "no thanks" muttering under my breath "fuck off Seagal".

That's right. I stood up Seagal.

In my 18+ years in the industry, Seagal was the worst show ever.
Either that or Tiffany. I'm still trying to decide....