X-Files: I want to believe

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

I want to believe this is a good movie. Actually, it was more like a good overlong episode. Although it did have those serious plot flaws you can drive a truck through. It was probably a good thing we didn't see the extended version.
Basically, an FBI agent has been captured in Virginia and a pedophile priest is the only one who has any clues to her whereabouts. The FBI need to forgive Mulder his crimes (I'm guessing from the previous film) so he can come back in and solve the case.

They don't deal with a lot of the X-files mythos. It's just a straight up X-Files chapter. The most ackward scenes were the ones between Mulder and Scully. They seemed forced but did lead up to the one big surprise. Or maybe I've forgotten something from the series and the movie, then it might not be such a big surprise.

[cranefly]

I picked this DVD up at a storefront resembling the trunk of a car in Mountain View just off Castro. I suppose I should have been suspicious from the start. The raw cardboard packaging, the black-and-white line art, and various misspellings should have alerted me further to something amiss. Still, it's hard to argue with a $.99 price tag.

As the familiar music kicked in, I grew cautiously optimistic. I mean, I was never a huge fan of the TV series, not like Lady Cranefly; but there were a few episodes that blew me away, I suppose I was hoping the movie would deliver one of these. But when the title appeared, I did a double take, because it read: The X-Files: I Want to Relieve, starring Goh Soon. I could just make out the ghost of another title (poorly edited out) reading, Enema Bandit #19. And that's when the theme song collided with musak and careened into a ditch.

The movie opens with this lady (played by Goh Soon) arriving home. She strips off her clothes because that's what women do when they arrive home. There's a knock, she answers in a bath towel, and a masked man bullies his way in with a gun and a bag. Well, things unfold as you might expect from the ghost title mentioned above, and things continue to unfold in this same repetitious manner. At one point two girlfriends drop by, but that hardly changes the nature of the action, except to make it happen in triplicate. And so it goes, and so it goes.

Now, I don't mean to give anything away, but eventually credits do roll.

I didn't catch the name of the guy playing the enema bandit, but he was horrible. First off, he wore a mask throughout, and how can you emote with half your face hidden? Also, he resembled Ron Jeremy on a bad day, and that's just not a good thing. Then there was his diabolical laugh (his only utterance!), sometimes occurring when his mouth was closed (the worst dubbing ever!), sounding more ridiculous than diabolical. How the director could have made such a bad casting choice is beyond me.

Still, The X-Files: I Want to Relieve, starring Goh Soon is really about the female protagonist/victim, played by Goh Soon. And Goh Soon is a revelation: brimming with talent, voluptuous in every imaginable way, and with a wonderfully expressive face. True, she tends to express the same thing throughout, but give her credit: you can tell without a doubt what she is expressing about.
Warning: The X-Files: I Want to Relieve, starring Goh Soon runs only 80 minutes. Maybe this won't bother you, but I always feel cheated if a movie doesn't run at least 90 minutes. I'm just giving you a heads up on this, okay? In case it matters.

All in all, I'm giving The X-Files: I Want to Relieve, starring Goh Soon three stars. Granted, there's very little to redeem it, what with the annoyingly bad male lead, the short run time, and a very repetitive storyline. But for me I suppose it's a guilty pleasure. Essentially, Goh Soon totally won me over. She is clearly a burgeoning talent soon to erupt on the world stage.

--cranefly

[thatguy]

Were there any bits about aliens probing Uranus?

--tg