The Lucy Conundrum

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

Why am I doing Lucy's job for him?

I start my Qigong and Iron Crotch classes tonight . . . . .

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

I expect to hear rave reviews from Her Majesty.

[Drunk Monk]

mt043

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

At least I have a long life bar, now. That's something, right?

[Drunk Monk]

http://www.tigerclaw.com/99-power-long-l...-7132.html

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

Last night I used it to beat myself. Good times.

You're slipping, DM. There wasn't a link to the Martial Arts Mart so people could buy their own.

Time to go read my new book "Learning Chinese Characters"

[Drunk Monk]

There WAS a link to Tiger Claw so people could buy their own.

:-D

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

It's all the lifting dragging the blood away from my brain.

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

I'm still introduced at 99 Qigong as the guy making the documentary, but we still don't have the contract that makes it all official.

So, to understand Qigong and Iron Crotch and to maybe make the Tu's more comfortable with my presence, I decided to take the classes.

The first thing Sandy Tu does is hand me a contract to sign. Fine. I start to read it. Aren't we supposed to read contracts?

I'm halfway through, when Sandy becomes frustrated with my delay and says "Just sign it. Gigi wrote it."

Hmmmm,

I signed it but I would like to point out that it was the contract for the tournament they held over the July 4th weekend.

[Drunk Monk]

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

I’m taking a break from not writing the screenplay to pen some thoughts about my first non-observer Iron Crotch class. This would be the class where I tied the knot in the silk and put it on.
There are just too many images seared in my brain to pick out one that did the most damage. Yes, I saw a lot men’s penises. Some men might have seen mine. I’m thinking the shorts I modified to allow easy access might be a bit too short. I don’t like the funky smell my silk now has from being in close proximity to my testicles. I hope it is washable. In Future, there will be a thorough testicle and groin washing before the class. I don’t think it will help.

The mind set I have to get into is the one you use in the Locker Room. Hey, they’re just penises and we’ve all seen them and try not to giggle. It’s tough though when the assistant Sifu is instructing you in how to attach the silk and shows you up close and personal how he’s attached his hanging silk. That might be etched in memory number two. The first being the Sifu showing me how to massage and stretch the skin around the testicles by massaging and stretching the skin around his own testicles. I am thankful that my Sifu is so forthcoming and grateful he is sharing his knowledge.
Eventually I just want to tie the boys up and start lifting. So, I did

It’s not as easy at it sounds to tie the cloth on. One ball never wants to be a part of the party and keeps slipping back out of the cloth. After much fumbling with myself and the cloth, I managed to cinch the boys together. First rule, Shiny side out on the silk. That way the smoother side is against you when you do the corral maneuver.

You also have a choice on where the slip knot should lie. My fellow student Jay demonstrated how the knot can be to the left or the right. It all depends on how you are going to cinch the cloth together. Jay prefers it to the right. I think that is how mine ended up, too.

I’m standing their with a cloth around my balls, fearing that my balls are on display for the world to see and I tie a knot in the bottom of the cloth. My Sifu has given me a hook with a platter on the bottom. You put weights on the platter and then attach the hook to the knot in the bottom of your silk. Then you just stand up. Easy peasy nice and easy.

And it was. I didn’t know how much I was hanging, but I was hanging. I didn’t realize that this would one day be a milestone in my life. But it is. My parents would be proud if they ever find out. Which they won’t.
The next step is to move the weight back and forth between your legs without moving your body. While you oscillate, you clench your perineum muscles. You do this a 108 times. I kept losing track. I might have swung it a million times last night. Or maybe ten or twelve.

Another important part of the exercise is to close your eyes and visualize drawing energy up from the ground through your feet and into your kidneys. I think they made me close my eyes so Master Tu could sneak up on me.
There I am happily swinging the weight when it’s oscillation increases dramatically. I open my eyes and look down to see Master Tu kneeling at my side and looking at my hook and platter. He has pushed the weights to make them swing more. Thank you, Master Tu. I needed that little addition.

Master Tu asks the Sifu why there is so little weight on the platter. At least I think that’s what they were discussing. A lot of Chinese was flying around and I was only getting the occasional translation. But I think the gist was this was my first time so they were being gentle.

I thought I was being cool by having a weight on the platter in the first place. When I stopped and removed the hook, I realized I didn’t have any weight on the platter. It felt like I was carrying thousands of pounds. Not so much.

While I was rubbing blood back into my testicles, I figured I could lift a whole lot more. The hook and platter only weighs 2 1/2 pounds. I could lift so much more.

On the one hand, lifting weights with your penis is a crazy idea. On the other hand, I’m not going to be the guy lifting the least amount of weight, Okay? The Madness is slowly seeping into my brain. If I’m lifting weights with my penis maybe the madness is already here?

I decide on adding five pound weight. Jay gives me the what do you thing you are doing that’s a lot of weight look. I can l lift an additional five, right? Who can’t lift seven and a half pounds? I won’t be the weakling.
I put the five pounds on and slowly lift. I immediately found out that I couldn’t lift five pounds as the cloth cinched up very tightly against my delicate member. Jay was kind enough not to say anything as I put the weight back down and got something smaller. He pointed out that five pounds was big jump from simply the weight of the hook and platter.

I went with the 2 1/2 pound weight which brought my grand total to five. It was still a struggle. But I managed to keep my focus and was able to count to 108. While I did this I saw other men lift ten and fifteen pound weights. Looking at it, the weight doesn’t look like it would be that hard to lift. Then I remember how hard it was to lift the five pounder and keep my mouth shut.

Before we can do round three of our exercise, you always do three sets, Master Tu took us into the main room to do our warm down exercises and beat our selves with our Long Life Power Bars. Master Tu said we’ve built up a lot of Semen and it was time to get some of that energy back into our bodies. It’s also important to settle our hips back into their sockets.

At the end of the night, it was a good time to be had by all. My testicles feel like somebody has given them a light punch rather than a full on kick. I’m sure if they had a say in the matter, my balls would wish they were doing some other activity.

I’m of two minds about the whole Iron Crotch experience. The first is this is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. Secondly, I better be able to lift a hundred pounds when this is over.

[Drunk Monk]

...they way most men get injured doing iron crotch is trying to lift more than they can handle. Go slow, Greg, because you could really hurt yourself. Think about that.

Also, I remember translating GM Tu's DVD with Gigi when she looked at me with her know-what-I-mean look and said "don't shoot." While you are training this, don't shoot. Seriously, shooting can undo all of your work. Sorry TQ.

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

That's the rub. They tell you not to shoot, but they don't tell you how that is accomplished especially after years of doing just that. Or maybe they are saying how to do it in Mandarin and the translation isn't coming across. Or do you preach Abstinence? Oy vei

[Drunk Monk]

as for not shooting, i never quite mastered that. :o

the rub indeed. okay, i can't be serious about this much longer.

[Greg_phpbb3_import1]

One of the stunts that Master Tu has agreed to do is break a coconut with his hand. Sometime I look at the list and I'm afraid that the things he does might appear too easy. Then I saw this and felt better. It's all about me feeling better.

[youtube]q-4EfIWeqVM[/youtube]