Yetis vs. Unicorns?

[thatguy]

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Mythic War: North Korea strikes back after U.S. Bigfoot claims

In the escalating Mythic War between the United States and North Korea, the latter country has struck back.

As you may recall, about one week ago, the American forces launched a major offensive by claiming DNA evidence of a Bigfoot in North America. Of course the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea could not tolerate such a provocation.

That’s because the Yeti myth originated in Nepal, just a couple thousand miles from Pyongyang. Yeti/Bigfoot/Sasquatch/Abominible Snowman and all other forms of apelike animal cryptids are the province of Asian forces in the Mythic War.

And so North Korea has struck back in a big way, by discovering a lair of unicorns.

According to the Korean News Agency:

Archaeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences have recently reconfirmed a lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong, founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (B.C. 277-A.D. 668).

The lair is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City. A rectangular rock carved with words “Unicorn Lair” stands in front of the lair. The carved words are believed to date back to the period of Koryo Kingdom (918-1392).

It will be interesting to see whether this find triggers an escalation from DEFCON 3 to DEFCON 2 in the Mythic War. Let us hope not, because the next step would be for America’s heroes in the Mythic War to unleash perhaps their greatest weapon — a secret cache of Chupacabras.

I don’t think anyone wants that.

--tg

[Drunk Monk]

KFM is running an article on unicorns in our next issue. Seriously.

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We have not factored in Yetis. Those are best left in the fencing world.

[Drunk Monk]

You know those nice Yeti cooler cups? What happens when you fill one up with a Starsucks unicorn frappacino?

[King Bob]

Some of those Yeti ice chests are pretty big - might hold a unicorn or two

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

I have one of those Yeti tumblers. It only holds, water, coffee, or Scotch. No unicorn jizz.

[Drunk Monk]

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Unicorns are murdering bastards.

[Drunk Monk]

Who Is Yeti? Abominable Snowman Body Parts Revealed to be Mostly Bear, Some Dog

Sorry, Yeti fans&mdash;all these samples from sightings of the mythological being turned out to be real animals.
November 29, 2017

Updated | The Yeti, or Abominable Snowman, is supposed to wander the Himalayas on two feet, staying mostly out of sight. But its legend has lived on, and people across the region have collected hair and bone samples alleged to belong to the mythical beast. A new genetic analysis of 9 of those samples published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B found that precisely zero of them belonged to a Yeti. The abominable snowman turns out to be a little bit dog and mostly bear. 
The researchers gathered 9 samples—a tooth, a few paws, a bone, clumps of hair and the like—that Yeti believers from as far back as the 1930s have identified as belonging to the mythological being. Then, they analyzed DNA found in each sample. The results won't be what Yeti lovers were hoping for: The genetic analyses revealed that the tooth had actually belonged to a dog and the other samples to a range of local bears.
If you like the Yeti tale, that may come as bad news, but if you like bears there's a lot to learn from the study. That's because the scientists paired the alleged Yeti samples with poop samples collected from Himalayan brown bears living in Khunjerab National Park in northern Pakistan.
Himalayan brown bears are one of 44 different subspecies of brown bears, and they've even been fingered as possible Yeti sighting culprits before, but they aren't faring very well. And the genetic analysis the team was able to conduct on the "Yeti" samples and freshly collected bear poop samples showed that Himalayan brown bears split off from bears earlier than researchers had previously realized, about 650,000 years ago.
That timing lines up well with a period when glaciers covered what's now the Tibetan plateau—and the scientists think that means the species may have resulted from a small population of local bears being isolated from neighbors by the giant sheets of ice.
Lead author Charlotte Lindqvist, a bear scientist at the University at Buffalo, and her colleagues got their hands on these samples through Icon Film Company, which produced "Yeti or Not," a documentary that followed the efforts of former veterinarian Mark Evans to scientifically evaluate Yeti claims. (The company also funded the study.)
This isn't the first time scientists have taken a stab at the alleged remains of a Yeti—one previous study analyzed dozens of samples purportedly from Yeti and Bigfoot and identified them as species ranging from polar bears to cows, raccoons and horses.
Correction: This story has been updated with the correct number of samples believed to have belonged to Yetis.

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Lies! Lies, I tell you!

[Drunk Monk]

[cranefly]

Chainsaws exist!

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

At last, The Truth!

[Drunk Monk]

Yeti pubes

FTW

[Dr. Ivor Yeti]

Still no bone, though.

[Drunk Monk]

mushroom?