Conan the Barbarian

[Drunk Monk]

This was the new one, done in 2011. The new Conan made the governator look like an Oscar-worthy actor. Seriously. Where did they find someone with a Cro-Magnon forehead in this day and age? He was way too smarmy. The villain kept reminding me of Christopher Lloyd in Star Trek. The damsel in distress kept reminded me of a Jodie Foster that can't act. Ross McGowan rocked the villainess character, which was very Freddy Kruger, but well done. Bob Sapp was Conan's rasta friend, sort of an update of Wilt Chamberlain, I suppose. Ron Perlman played Conan's pop, or Ron Perlman, which he always plays. I liked him as the Beast, which he gave a great air of nobility, and Hellboy, which was just makeup fun; Then he took off his makeup and it turned out he was even uglier for real, so he's been stuck in roles like Conan's pop.

Lots of sword fights. Lots and lots and lots. The choreography was mediocre, barbarian broad sword haymakers and a lot of shots to the jewels. Some nice hacking of body bits and slicing, so its not without merit. Lots of digital blood. I hate digital blood. It splashes well, but then doesn't stain. Blood should stain, as in 'Out, out, damn spot.' Lots of wacky weapons like boomerang crescent knives, kruger finger knives and scissor swords.

At first, I was appalled. How hard is it to do a good Conan flick? It's not like he's that complicated of a character. Stick to the damn books. Those were great. I read them all in order in High School. It was the same issue I had with the governator's versions. Then I started really appreciating those films for their caricature. Remember Mako? Remember James Earl Jones? Grace Jones and Sandhal Bergman? But then, as the movie went on (it's a tad too long) it started to amuse me, just because it was sort of an old skool '80s Barbarian flick like Krull or Beastmaster, only with CGI effects. There was even a rubber kraken leg in one scene, although most of the kraken was digital. Classic!

As I found myself predicting cliche lines in my head, it occurred to me that this would have made a good DOOM Science Theater flick, back in the day. With all of us on the couch, beers in hand, our commentary on this flick would have been a total laugh riot. I got very nostalgic for the daze when we used to do that. Beers, Barbarian flicks and DOOM brothers. Those were the daze, my friends.

[Drunk Monk]

Conan the Destroyer

Just rewatched for Grace Jones who remains totally awesome in this film. It’s worth it just to see her psycho grin after she stabs a downed opponent. And it’s weirdly comforting to know that her gloriously tight booty holds up until she’s 76. Forty years later, that booty is still tight.

The rest of the film, not so much. The cast has got to be the stiffest squad ever. It’s almost as if the governator is mocking himself; he acting is completely absent (don’t get me started on Wilt). Sarah Douglas is a good villainess, but she’s only got one note to play here. Mako is the same as ever, as is Tracey Walter. I remember crushing on Olivia D’Abo as a teen, but that has completely evaporated now. She’s hardly eye candy anymore.

The story is plodding and the sword fights endorse the ‘too much muscle makes you slow’ theory. It’s awful choreo with Arnie constantly adopting a saber 6th guard just to flex his bicep. No one looks like they’re cutting, or even just chopping and hacking. The sword blows all feel dull and awkward.

I will give Fleischer & De Laurentiis props for some great sets. The environment sets are spectacular real world locations with exotic geography. And the sets are big and cartoonish, but solid state, constructed in an almost caricature fantasy, yet workable. In that regard, it’s cool and cinematic.

Pretty sure they tripped a lot of horses, and I hate that. Some go down hard and knowing it’s real is a downer. 

None of this stands the test of time except Grace, who somehow excels, totally committed to her caricature role. She makes it work on her own terms.

Not D00M recommended anymore, unless you just wanna see Grace. She’s so great.