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Be Safe - scapino - 02-10-2008
It was Saturday before the superbowl and my wife and I decided to veg before in front of our TV. Through shear silliness we ended up spending the day watching a stream of non-stop disaster fair thanks to the Sci-Fi channel. Starting with the mini-series “10.5” and finishing off with “Scorcher” we witnessed humanities fight for survival against the almost insurmountable odds of really bad writing. From this I have managed to learn some valuable rules should you ever find yourself tramped in a disaster movie:
• All mega disasters are preceded by minor disasters that usually often target major metropolitan areas.
• Almost all major discoveries of imminent peril our made by junior staff members of the USGS (or other government agency). Usually these staff members are women.
• There views are always immediately rejected, which may be due to their ‘proof’ usually revolving around the argument, “I know I am right about this!”
• Natural disasters love to ‘chase’ moving objects such as trains.
• Natural disasters seem to target landmarks.
• Natural disasters obey no natural laws.
• When facing a disaster of epic proportions, one must always stop, and take time to re-hash and resolve any deep seeded issues with your father’s absence as you grew up. The amount of time that you and your father spend working out these issues should be in direct proportion to the number of people that are relying on both of you to guide them through the global catastrophe that surrounds you. It is important to do this now because your father is about to sacrifice his life to save you and the rest of humanity.
• Whatever the disaster, it can always be solved by the correct placement of nuclear devices.
• Often these devices must be submerged a token depth below the earth’s surface. This will always result in slow drilling and the inevitable need to trigger one nuc manual (by your father).
• Whatever the crisis, it is usually monitored by a small group of people in a control room that looks like it was built in a renovated warehouse in Saugus.
• If your best friend has a sense of humor, he/she must die.
• Everything can be modeled on a computer.
• Any conversation is more dramatic if filmed in an unsteady manor with pointless zooms in and out.
• The makers of TV disaster films lack the budget to rent a single steadcam or tripod.
• No mater the disaster: volcano, earthquake, or the earth orbit shifting closer to the sun, the universal signal that everything is “OK” is a nice rain shower.